What is Attachment Parenting?

Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting, or more commonly "AP" is the label given to a style of parenting that is considered natural and instinct driven. It is what we as mothers and fathers would do without the social pressure and stigma of "spoiling" or creating "dependant" children. The phrase was popularized by Dr. Robert Sears and his wife Martha. They are the authors of many parenting books ranging from The Breastfeeding Book to The Vaccine Book. The Sears are joined by many respected professionals in advocating for a more loving, gentle style of raising our youth.

Attachment parenting is not a rigid set of rules like many other mainstream philosophies. It is in fact defined by its fluid message of simple love and respect. Everyone ultimately will find a system that works the best for their own family. AP is about listening to your baby's cues, and responding in a way that promotes a secure bond.

Many people consider babywearing, breastfeeding and co-sleeping to be the foundation, or building blocks, to the AP lifestyle.

Breastfeeding

This is the cornerstone to natural parenting with attachment in mind. Breastfeeding provides all the nutrition, hydration, immunity, comfort and love that your baby will need in the first months of their life. It truly is the best start you can give them. Breastfeeding is much much more than just food. The relationship between you and your child becomes the most important thing for both of you. It is the best way to soothe your baby to sleep, the best way to calm a fussy baby, and the best way to ensure that a lot of time is spent held, cuddling and loving them.

Co-sleeping

If breastfeeding is the cornerstone, this is the mortar of AP. Night-time Parenting is really what sets attachment parenting apart. Our jobs as parents does not end when the sun goes down. It is not in a baby's best interest to be separated from its caregivers at night. We must continue to provide nourishment, closeness and comfort round the clock. Co-sleeping is a key element in the breastfeeding relationship. At night, mom can simply help her baby latch on and continue to get her much needed rest without ever leaving the bed. It is the in and out of bed at night that causes terrible sleep-deprivation in new parents and it is really unnecessary. You will find that it is when you attempt to go against the grain of natural instinct that everything in life becomes so much harder and more difficult.

Babywearing

Your little one spent nine months safely wrapped inside your body. S/he was warm and comforted by your continuing presence and movement. Babywearing allows for a smoother transition to the outside world for your child. Carriers allow them to continue to benefit from being close to you, they love to be next to your body, smelling your scent, and delight in your motions as you go about daily life. Babies cry less and get the sleep that they need when they are worn by their parents. Mommies get the benefit of being able to continue to care for older children, their homes and many other tasks that would normally be much more difficult or even impossible with their new bundles.

Ultimately, attachment parenting tries to get at the heart of what feels natural and right to us as mothers and fathers. It fosters happy, healthy children who know without a doubt that someone is always there for them when they fall and lets them become secure and outgoing when they're older.

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Is my baby High Needs?

Sometimes it seems as if nothing I do helps. He cries and cries, the volume approaches a scream at times. His little face turns red and his body gets stiff. He kicks and squirms, and there are tears! Real baby tears. A crying baby makes my heart hurt. I try nursing to comfort him, but he just jerks and pulls away. Holding him and talking to him doesn't help either. There are a few things thankfully that do help, such as walking around with him....ok perhaps the word few was overestimating things. Walking is just about the only thing that works without fail. Even wearing him in my baby carrier only works if I'm up moving around.

Without fail, every night when my husband and I try to sit down for dinner, the screaming starts. I'm not a superwoman, sometimes I feel truly ready to just give up and put him in his swing and let him cry it out. I just can't do it, though. I can't sit and listen to him need me and not go and at least try to comfort him however futile my efforts may be. Last night my dear husband made us a steak and sauted mushrooms dinner. Halfway through I just got up and held the baby and nursed standing while Brad finished his dinner. Then I sat down and ate my cold steak :( I know I feel kind of sorry for myself as this happens a lot, but I'm the mother now and I guess sacrifices must be made.

It's been particularly bad the last few days and I've almost felt at my wits end. I've yelled at my husband which helps nothing. I know that, but I get so frazzled by the baby's constant crying. I went looking for answers on the internet the other day and found that 3 months of age is prime time for a growth spurt. I broke down in tears after reading that, thankful that this may end in a few days and I'll have a happy baby. The thing is, sometimes he is happy! The few times a day he's happy he knows how to show it. He smiles up a storm, coos and lets out huge giggles. I love these moments and I hope for more of them.

I also found some really helpful information on high needs babies by Dr. Robert Sears. The Sears' also have a book titled, The Fussy Baby Book : Parenting Your High-Need Child From Birth to Age Five. I'm thinking of buying it because it seems as if this article was written specifically for Braden. Some of the key points that really struck a cord with me were:

High need infants tend to be full-time tummy-thumpers and bladder- kickers, as if telling the world even before they're born that they need more space.

Boy was he ever! Man I thought he was gonna kick right out of my ribcage some nights. Not fun, ha! I had no idea what was coming.

They stiffen their limbs and arch their backs when you try to hold them, and they are frequently seen doing back dives in your lap, turning breastfeeding into a gymnastic event.

This drives me up the wall sometimes. I thought that nursing was supposed to be a peaceful loving thing, but sometimes Braden fights it! He squirms, arches his back, tries to kick himself off my lap. I feel bad "forcing" him to nurse but he needs to eat and he needs to sleep and this is really my only way of helping him do those things.

Woe to the parent who offers baby the rattle when he is expecting a breast. He will let you know quickly and loudly that you've misread his cues.

Tell me about it. Heaven forbid I try to change his diaper after a nap when he wants to eat...or try to hold him in my lap when he wants attention and to play. Sometimes just figuring out exactly what it is he wants is a trial. Often, I don't get it right and I'm left with my crying, red, upset baby.

After all, isn't a contented baby the hallmark of effective mothering? Wrong! There will be days when you nurse, rock, walk, drive, wear, and try every comforting technique known to man or woman, and nothing will work. Don't take this as a sign of failure. You do the best you can, and the rest is up to the baby. You have not failed as a mother even if your baby is miserable much of the time.

Thank God! Honestly, yes I was feeling like a little bit of a failure. I co-sleep with him, I breastfeed frequently and on demand, I play with him as much as I can and he still has periods of uncontrolled screaming. Just about the only thing in this article that doesn't really fit my baby is the poor sleep habits. He sleeps great which is a small miracle I give credit to co-sleeping for. I am so glad that I am not alone. Thank you Dr. Sears!

Here is something very similar to a comment my husband made a little while back. He said that it was as if Braden only had "off" and "on". There is either super happy smiling giggling baby, or super upset crying, kicking baby.

When he is happy, he is the happiest baby around, but when he is angry he is the worst baby around. He is still that way, sunshine and smiles, anger and daggers. He has no middle emotion.

So here I am, with my potentially "high needs" baby. I'm doing the best I can trying to parent him, to make him understand that I will be there for him when he is upset and I will always pick him up when he falls. I truly believe that being an attachment parenting mommy for this little guy is going to help be his safety net. He will be able to grow and be an outgoing, driven happy little guy because he knows his mommy loves him.


Do you have a high needs baby?
What tips and tricks have you learned?
What are they like as older children?

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